How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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