highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
