I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
