Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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