Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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