You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
