i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
