I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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