So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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