You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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