Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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