WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
