i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
