Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
