I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
