I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
