I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
