I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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