So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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