Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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