saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
