Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am midnight drunk by noon
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
