im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
