Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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