If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
