I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
birth control should be required to get into college
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
whose parrot is this?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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