I love black thongs
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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