So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
