Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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