if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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