I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
