Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
