FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
