I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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