I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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