I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
