i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
