after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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