theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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