May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
