I just threw up on my dentist
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
