I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
