and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
