The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
