I just saw a hot homeless man
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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