i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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