i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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