haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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