I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
