everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
