MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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